Part II : A Relationship on Mute

from wound to wisdom : estrangement as a spiritual path

Hello lovelies, welcome!

I’m Soul Surgeon, Dr. Tamy, inviting you into the journey of self-discovery.

Permission Slips is your weekly breath of truth - a blend of soul stories, ancient whispers, and grounded tools for the journey home to yourself. With poetry, art, and tales from the battlefield of raising five wild-hearted humans, this is a space for seekers, feelers, and those learning to stay awake. Wherever you are on the path - come, walk with me!

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Today’s Permission Slip : I give myself permission to use estrangement as my spiritual path ✨

Dear lovely Stackers,

You’ve probably already read me sharing myself vulnerably in prior pubs, like my life in bullet points and journey from plastic surgeon to SOUL Surgeon.

Last week in Part I of A Relationship on Mute, I shared my pain around the ongoing twenty-two month estrangement from my oldest daughter. That was the first time I’ve written about my experience and it felt both liberating and nauseating. Kind of like the entering the unchartered territory of stepping off the platform on a zipline in Costa Rica in 2011. My heart pounded as the harness yanked me into the open air. Soaring through the trees with the wind in my face gave me a wild sense of liberation, yet that queasy twist in my gut had me screaming like a maniac. Yes, this writing feels like that.

In this second part of my journey I’ll bring you to my present day experience of how I live with this sacred and uninvited challenge of missing my oldest daughter for nearly two years.

Photo by Lisa Yount on Unsplash

Mothering as a Spiritual Path

There were only two things I knew for sure when I was eight years old - I was going to become a surgeon and I was going to become a mother. What I didn’t know was that mothering my five kids would be my wildest, most humbling spiritual teaching - a full contact sport in awakening. It’s like living in a monastery, if monasteries were loud, sticky, and full of tiny humans demanding snacks while teaching you patience, presence, and the art of surrender.

Each child is a pint-sized guru, expertly pushing my buttons so I can finally transcend self-limiting beliefs, childhood trauma, and deep egoic-conditioning. Through the tantrums, mountains of laundry, and moments of heart-melting connection I’ve been constantly invited to choose love over losing it - and let’s be honest, sometimes that is enlightenment.

Little did I know that mothering and spirituality go hand-in-hand, like peanut butter and chocolate. And you know how I feel about chocolate!

Each of my children serves as a mirror, reflecting my own inner landscape and inviting me to heal, grow, and awaken. Through the chaos, love, exhaustion, and moments of deep connecting I’m constantly called to return to my center, to let go of control, and to remember that this journey of raising them is also the journey of raising myself.

So though I could easily write a hundred piece publication on Substack about the pain of this estrangement, I won’t. Because I don’t live in this pain - I live in the spiritual boot camp it enrolled me in. Once the grief cracked me open I realized it was less of a breakdown and more of a cosmic upgrade.

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Instead of drowning in the ache, I let it become my sacred teacher.

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My daughter’s absence became a masterclass in letting go : of control, old stories, and of the illusion that I was ever in charge to begin with. Instead of obsessing over texts or calls that never came, I leaned into the teachings. I learned to deepen my unconditional love - for myself and for her. Trusting that sometimes loving someone means doing it from a respectful distance.

I embraced unconditional love, not as a concept, but as a living, breathing truth.

I no longer live in the wound.

I live in the wisdom that came from it.

And from that space, my spiritual path has become less about fixing and more about trusting. Less about holding on and more about letting go with grace.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Estrangement Taught Me To Let Go :

LETTING GO is the art of releasing what no longer serves us.

1. My attachment to identity as mother

2. My need of my child to be a certain way

3. The belief that I failed as a mother

4. The timeline of how healing should take place

5. The story that I must carry the blame alone

6. The idea that I’m only whole if this is resolved

7. The comparison to other mothers

8. The guilt for who I was when I didn’t yet know what I know now

9. The fantasy of a flawless reunion

10. The belief that love must always look like contact

    

    Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Estrangement Taught Me To Let Be :

LETTING BE is the art of accepting the what-isness of life without resistance.

1. My child's silence

2. My own heartbreak

3. The past, as it was

4. My longing, as it is

5. The mystery of what I cannot control

6. Life as it is Now

7. My daughter’s choices

8. My pain, when it shows up

9. The unanswered questions

10. My evolving identity as a mother

11. My child’s boundaries, even if they hurt

12. Allowing my own moments of joy

13. The eternal and infinite present moment

Photo by SOULSANA on Unsplash

Finally, The 7 Biggest Lessons Estrangement Taught Me:

1. Mothering isn’t always about doing - it’s much more about being present with what is, especially as our kids grow up.

2. My daughter is on her own soul journey, and the most respectful thing I can do is honor that path, even when it diverges from mine.

3. Pain can serve as a teacher, not a punishment.

4. Love sometimes means giving space rather than closeness.

5. My worth isn’t defined by how someone else sees or treats me.

6. Repair and reconnection, if they come, will come at their own time and are more likely to happen when they aren’t forced.

7. Spiritual growth often comes not through success, but through surrender.

Closing Thoughts ✨

My daughter’s estrangement became one of the greatest teachers of my Life. It stripped me bare and asked me to love without conditions or attachment, and without guarantees.

When I stopped asking why is this happening and started listening for what it was teaching me, my path shifted.

It showed me where I still needed to heal, where I could surrender more, and how even the most unimaginable heartbreak can be holy when we let it transform us. It hurt - of course it did - and sometimes still does, but it also humbled me, softened me, and deepened my capacity to trust the mystery.

I bow to each of you who has shown up to read my words and hold space for my sharing this fullness of the spiritual path, including - the good, the bad, and the beautifully ugly. Namaste. ✨🙏✨

P.S. If you are experiencing estrangement from an adult child and want to learn more about this cultural phenomenon, please read Steven Howard's comprehensive series on Estrangement Ideology It deeply supported me on my path.

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Self-Inquiry Journaling Prompts✨

1. Where in my life am I being invited to let something/someone go—a story, a habit, a version of myself—and what would it feel like to loosen my grip gently, without force?

2. Where am I resisting what already is, and how might it feel to practice letting it be instead of trying to fix, analyze, or avoid it?

3. What does the coexistence of let it go and let it be look like in my life today? How can I hold both with tenderness and trust?

*p.s. i love you❣️

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