The Many Loves That Shaped Me

a map of the heart

Hello lovelies, welcome!

I’m Soul Surgeon, Dr. Tamy, inviting you into the journey of self-discovery through self-inquiry - one Permission Slip at a time.

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Today’s Permission Slip : I give myself permission to love, in all its forms ✨

So, let’s begin. Today we explore Love.

To wrap up Valentine’s Day week with a big red bow, I stumbled upon the seven types of Love as defined by the ancient Greek philosophers. Naturally, this sent me spiraling into a deep dive - reflecting on the loves I’ve experienced in my own life. So, let’s explore the seven types of Love and then dive into my juicy personal experience.

A quick disclaimer : Yes, I’m about to neatly categorize love into seven distinct types. But let’s be real - love is anything but neat. It’s messy, layered, and refuses to be confined to clean-cut definitions. These categories aren’t mutually exclusive. We’re complex beings who love in unique, ever-evolving ways. So, as we explore these seven types of love, reflect on the relationships in your world. From friends to family to your favorite travel spot - even the way you love your cat or dog - love is everywhere, showing up in ways both grand and subtle.

Let’s dive in.

7 Types of Love

1. Eros - romantic, passionate love of the body

• Eros is the passionate - lusty - sexual attraction - kind of love. Everything we think of when we think of the TV version of love. Eros is solely a physical love so it isn’t something you necessarily want to build a relationship upon on its own, unless you do, lol, no judgment. But it’s sexual intensity also makes it - you guessed it - fleeting.

2. Philia - affectionate, friendly love

• These are the soul-to-soul bonds characterized by loyalty and trust. They encompass the love shared between friends and intimate family members. It’s an encouraging, kind, and affectionate love that makes up a true friendship. It’s entirely platonic yet meaningful and sweet. Think of Philia as the type of love where you simply want the best for another person. Since it’s a kind of equal love shared between people who value one another, the ancient Greeks thought it was even more precious than Eros.

3. Storge - unconditional, familial love

• Refers to the unconditional love parents have for their children. Being a mother of five, boy do I know this one! It’s a protective, kinship-based love that embodies sacrifice and acceptance. Storge looks a lot like Philia, though it’s more one-sided. It’s how a mother loves her child regardless of whether the child reciprocates their emotions, or not. It’s a strong bond built out of familiarity and need. So you still love your son even though he gives you eye rolls daily between ages 12-18. That’s unconditional love.

4. Agape - selfless, universal love

• This is a one-of-a-kind universal love that’s empathetic and selfless. It includes a love for God, nature, strangers, and the less fortunate. It doesn't depend on familiarity, like Storge, but instead is linked to altruism, unselfishness, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. A lot of people consider Agape to be a kind of spiritual love and it’s expressed through meditation, nature, intuition, and spirituality. Some believe this kind of love was embodied by people like Jesus and Mother Teresa, who lived in sacrifice for all of mankind. The Greeks believed that very few people were able to experience it long-term. In today’s world we can think of Agape as a pay-it-forward sort of love. A love that expects absolutely nothing in return. As my father always says : “It simply feels good, to be good.”

5. Ludus - playful, flirtatious love

• This is an easy, breezy kinda’ love. Playful, flirtatious, and non-committal, Ludus is having a crush on someone and then acting on it. It’s the infatuated phase that occurs in the early stages of romance. If you’ve been in love then you know what I’m talking about. It’s like a fling or a no-strings-attached sort of conquest that brings the stereotypical butterflies in your stomach. Ludus is all about having fun - flirting, dancing, teasing, seducing, all that jazz. It can be its own dynamic or as a part of a more committed relationship - adding a layer of uncomplicated lightness.

6. Pragma- committed, long-lasting love

• Simply put, it's love that lasts long-term, built on commitment, endurance, companionship, and sharing similar hopes for the future, which can include things like building a family and putting down roots. This type of love is patient, accepting, and everlasting. It matures as a couple spends year after year together, making it work. Think of the older married couple walking on the beach, having been together since their teens. Even after 50 years of marriage they still hold hands and see the person they fell in love with. In all honesty, in today’s age, it’s quite rare, and therefore extra special.

7. Philautia - self love

• Of all the different kinds of love this one is often the most challenging for many. However, it’s perhaps foundational to the other types of love. Philautia is self-love which the ancient Greeks saw as a healthy, necessary love of one’s self that made it possible to give and receive love from others. It’s a type of self-compassion, much like we show affection and love to others, it’s important to show that affection to ourselves. Healthy demonstrations of Philautia go hand in hand with self-worth, confidence and the boost of self-esteem that’s necessary for a sense of one’s purpose. On the flip side, Philautia can become unhealthy if we’re not careful. Too much self-love can breed self-obsession and self-superiority and morph into narcissistic behaviors, arrogance, and selfish tendencies. It’s important to balance the love of self with the love of others. Remember the phrase : you can’t pour from an empty cup? We can’t give what we don’t have. How are we to love others if we don’t first love ourselves?

The Many Loves That Shaped Me✨

Here’s a chronological journey through the many loves that shaped me, each one expanded my understanding and experience of Love, culminating in the Now Love that I practice (you’ll read about it at the end of the list below).

• Parents’ Love

  • In childhood, my parents’ love had a quiet, understated presence. It wasn’t the kind of love that announced itself with hugs or “I love you’s” - not like the way I shower my own children with affection. Instead, it took shape in more subtle ways : a comfortable home, home-cooked meals from our housekeeper, and long stretches of silence.

• First Love

  • At 17, fresh out of high school, I set off to the Middle East and Europe, where I met Eric - my first boyfriend - in a sweaty nightclub in Israel. He was French, and at the time, I was obsessed with all things French. Need I say more? Under the flashing lights of the disco balls, his twinkling chocolate-colored eyes, sweat, and effortless smile pulled me in as we danced. What started as a whirlwind romance that lasted three magical weeks together - then, somehow, stretched into three years of long distance.

    For the first time, I felt seen, cherished, and important to another in a way I had never quite known in my childhood home.

    *Full disclosure : As far as true first loves go, chocolate and poetry take the win. Sorry, Eric.

• College Love

  • At 18, I was infatuated with Heather, my suitemate in college. She floated through the halls, leaving a trail of patchouli and petals from the flowers woven into her uncombed blond dreads. I admired everything about her - the effortless way she wore her blue-yellow-red tie-dyed skirts, the ripped t-shirts, and the free-spirited ease I hadn’t yet discovered in myself. She was a version of me I hadn’t yet met. One that felt just out of reach. In those years, buried under the weight of pre med studying-busyness, there was no time to explore her, or the part of me she awakened.

• Daddy Love

  • At 19, my father left my mother. Blindsided, I struggled to make sense of their separation. I had always been closer with him than to her, and when he disappeared for months, fear gripped me - I genuinely thought he might be dead. Then, out of nowhere, he resurfaced in Mexico, casually informing me that he was going to pursue dentistry (how’s that for a midlife crisis!). After college, I packed my bags and moved in with him for two years - because love, no matter the distance, travels as far as it needs to.

• Elevator Love

  • At 21, during a trip to Uruguay - my mother’s birthplace - I met Felipe. He was the tall, dark, and handsome elevator operator at the small hotel near my grandmother’s house, and from the moment we locked eyes, the pull was undeniable. Every day, between the fourth and first floors, we stole kisses, wrapped in the thrill of secrecy. No cameras in hotels back then - just youth, desire, and the kind of passion that doesn’t ask for permission. This was pure Eros kinda’ love.

    When I left, I cried every single day. And then, as if plucked straight from a Ryan Gosling movie, 35 years later, we met again - completely by chance (if you believe in chance) - in Miami. But that’s a story I’ll write up for another publication.

• Central Park Love

  • Four years later, on a warm June afternoon, I met the man who would become my husband in the heart of New York’s Central Park. I was lounging on the grass with my medical student friends from Mt. Sinai, mirrored sunglasses on, casually chewing on a veggie burger, when he jogged past - unaware that fate was about to reroute his run.

    One of my friends who knew him, called him over. Shy and sweet, he knelt down to say hello. I slid off my sunglasses, locked eyes with him, and without a word, let my gaze say it all : Hey, you’re cute. Call me.

    We were meant to meet - to bring our five children into this world, to share a chapter of love and life. And then we were meant to part. Because some loves exist to awaken us, to set us on the path we were always meant to walk. Ours was that kind of love - the necessary kind.

• Mommy Love

  • One month short of my 31st birthday, my first child was born. I experienced a love I never knew existed. When my water broke, it felt as if the cosmos cracked open, birthing not just my child, but an entirely new dimension of love - boundless, limitless, and fierce beyond words. A love so consuming, I would give my life for it without hesitation.

    As I carried my second child two years later, I wondered - how could I possibly hold this love for another? Was there enough space in my heart? But then I birthed my second, third, fourth, and fifth children over the next nine years, and with each arrival, the cosmos didn’t just explode - they expanded. Through the blood, sweat, and raw primal cries of birth, my heart multiplied. It grew beyond any limit I thought existed.

• Divorce Love

  • At 45, I divorced and thought I would never love again. The pain, isolation, and crushing sense of failure were overwhelming. Raising five young kids who were hurting from the divorce felt all-consuming, leaving little space to tend to my own broken heart.

    What I didn’t realize then was that this suffering would catapult me into my journey of self-discovery, giving birth to a love I had never known before - self love. A love that, even now, feels awkward and unsteady at times. Until the age of 45 I hadn’t understood that Philautia - self love- is the foundation of ALL love.

• Puppy Love

  • Before Zoe, I never understood the kind of love people had for their dogs. To me, animals—especially dogs—were unpredictable, even dangerous. Working as a surgeon in the emergency room, I saw the worst of it: deep puncture wounds, torn skin, frightened faces, the aftermath of trust broken in an instant. My experience with dogs was clinical and detached—I saw them as a threat rather than a source of love.

    But then came Zoe. A tiny, scruffy little Schnauzer with eyes full of mischief and a heart big enough to change mine. She entered my life unexpectedly, through my ex-husband, of all people. After our divorce, he brought her home for the kids, and in a way, she became a part of our fractured family. She wasn’t just his dog—she became our dog, seamlessly moving between our two homes just like the kids did. She was a constant, a little thread weaving us all together in ways I never anticipated.

    At first, I saw her as my children’s companion, their furry sibling. But over time, something shifted. Zoe wasn’t just the kids’ dog—she became mine, too. She had this way of looking at me, of sensing when I needed comfort, of curling up beside me like she was trying to stitch up the wounds I didn’t even realize were open. She had a way of making me laugh, of softening the hard edges of my day. I fell for her in a way I had never fallen for an animal before. She was my first puppy love.

    Over the nine years she lived, our bond deepened. I didn’t just love her—I needed her. She was family. And when she left her body two years ago, I felt a kind of grief that was both unexpected and all-consuming. Losing Zoe was a heartbreak that validated something I had never fully acknowledged: the depth of love that exists between humans and animals. A love that is pure and uncomplicated. She was my first true dog love, the one who taught me that love doesn’t always come in the form we expect. And even though she is gone, she is still with me, in the way all great loves remain—imprinted on the soul, forever.

• Death Love

  • The death of my best friend, my soul sister, my aunt - Miriam - taught me a new kind of love. A love that is free of the body, unbound by form, stretching beyond the physical world in ways I never understood before.

    When she was alive, our love was tangible. It was in the bear hugs she gave, in the way she laughed at my jokes, in the way we could sit in silence and still feel completely understood. But when she died, I thought that love would die with her. I thought that love needed a body, a presence, a voice. I thought that love was something you could lose. But grief has a strange way of teaching us things we never wanted to learn. In the hollow space she left behind, I discovered that love doesn’t vanish with the body - it expands. It stretches past what I can see or touch, past time, past logic. Weightless and boundless. This love reminds me she’s still here, just in a different way. It’s a love that doesn’t fade. A love that’s bigger than time, bigger than distance, bigger than death.

• Romantic Love

  • After Miriam died, I met C., he was perfect. I was convinced Miriam sent him to me from the heavens. There is so much to say about this love, but in short, I will say that this is a love that feels like home. If you know, you know.

• Ambiguous Loss Kinda’ Love

  • Nearly two years ago, my oldest daughter became estranged from me and our family. There was no fight, no harsh words - just a slow, quiet drifting away. No clear reason, no closure. Just distance. This kind of loss stretches Storge - the unconditional love of family - to its limits. I’ve spent countless hours reading about Estrangement Ideology, a growing cultural phenomenon where adult children sever ties with their family of origin as part of their individuation. It’s called ambiguous loss, and I can’t think of a more fitting term. Because that’s exactly what it is - ambiguous. A constant push and pull of second-guessing, guilt, fear, and the slow erosion of hope. It’s grief without a funeral, heartbreak without resolution. It’s tearful nights filled with endless questions, none of which have answers.

    Through it all, I am deeply grateful for my spiritual path and the Buddhist teachings that have carried me this excruciatingly painful experience. They have given me the strength to surrender, to sit with the unknown, to love without attachment.

• Now Love

  • In my fifth decade, love has become limitless. It no longer belongs to a person, a place, or a moment in time. Love is not something I seek - it is something I am. It lives within me, as me.

    Love greets me each morning in the delicate orchids on my kitchen windowsill, as I kiss them hello. It swirls in the soap suds of my dirty dishes, in the quiet ritual of nourishment and care. It lingers in the richness of dark chocolate melting on my tongue and meets me in the glance of the homeless woman on the sidewalk, in the eye-to-eye silent exchange between us - she is love too.

    Love is presence. Love is heartache. Love is longing. Love is laughter.

    Love is everywhere. Because Love IS me. And love is YOU.

    

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Closing Thought✨

What have I learned from Love?

I learned that love isn’t a one-size-fits-all, and trying to squeeze something so vast into a single definition feels not just impossible - but a little ridiculous. How can one word capture something that takes on so many shapes, depths, and dimensions?

As you can see by my experiences above, over time, I came to redefine love. It is not something outside of me, not something to chase, earn, or create. Love is not a destination - it is the essence of everything. It is the invisible thread that connects us all.

And ultimately : I AM Love. And so are YOU.

Try to connect with it.

Just for a moment. Close your eyes. Still your body. Connect with your breath. Inhale, exhale. Slowly. Deeply. Feel the trillions of cells that make you, YOU. Breathe in gratitude - the magical elixir of Love. Remember, there is Nowhere to go. Nothing to do. Just BE LOVE.

How did that feel? Relaxing? Emotional? Maybe a little elusive? Didn’t feel it at all? Lol, that’s okay too. Like anything, it takes practice to settle into stillness and connect with the Love that you already ARE.

Keep practicing. It gets easier. Love is always here. Love is always you.

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Journaling Prompts✨

1. Eros : How do you balance passion with emotional depth in relationships?

2. Philia : Who are the people in your life that truly ‘see’ you? How do they make you feel safe and understood?

3. Storge : How has your relationship with your family shaped your understanding of love?

4. Agape : If you could send one loving message to the world, what would it be?

5. Ludus : When was the last time you allowed yourself to simply enjoy love, playful, joyful and flirty, without expectations or pressure?

6. Pragma : What does long-term, sustainable love mean to you? How do you cultivate it? What makes it endure?

7. Philautia : How do you currently practice self-love - through self-care, setting boundaries, or self-acceptance? How do you put yourself first?

   I invite you to write your own PS : I give myself permission to…

With gratitude, light, and a dash of humor,

Dr. Tamy, Soul Surgeon ✨

TheMindFul Space/ https://www.tmfspace.com/

*p.s. i love you❣️