How I Learned to Shine During Covid
unapologetically radiant
Welcome to Permission Slips , a weekly practice of unlocking the freedom to feel, heal, and grow — one reflection at a time.
Today’s Permission Slip : I give myself permission to shine guilt-free and share my light✨
My Story✨
Ah, the year 2020. A time of global chaos, confusion, and yes — a collective pause. For many the pandemic felt like a dark cloud of uncertainty, but for me it became the universe’s cosmic invitation to hit the brakes on my busy, over-scheduled life, and wake up to dormant parts of myself. I had been working relentlessly as a surgeon for over twenty years, raising five kids, and building a Wellness Center to complement my holistic surgical practice over the three years prior to COVID. In early 2020, my life consisted of office renovations, running workshops, operating on my patients, and working late. Like many, my life had been running on fast-forward for years. I was a professional multitasker and my daily grind had become a blur. I was ticking off boxes as if I was on an assembly line of productivity - picking up kids from school, then soccer practice, food shopping, homework, and following up on my surgical patients. But when the world shut down the operating rooms, I was deemed a non-essential worker because the surgical services I offered were non-emergent, elective cosmetic procedures. I had to furlough my staff and enter quarantine with my kids and the rest of the world.
My two older kids came home from college and suddenly the five of them, ages twelve to twenty-two, plus me, age fifty three, were home together for an indefinite amount of time. At first when COVID hit it felt like a sick joke. You want me to slow down? But I’ve got deadlines, meetings, appointments, and a never-ending to-do list! But pretty quickly it was clear that the universe slammed the brakes on my life and said, Hold up. It’s time to rediscover yourself.
Hitting the Brakes : A Blessing in Disguise
It took my family a couple of weeks for the shock to wear off and for us all to get into a rhythm. Mornings consisted of online school for the kids— college, high school, and middle school — followed by midday homemade lunch made by yours truly. Taking an afternoon walk with the kids and then planting herbs in our little garden became a beautifully connecting experience. Sure, we had our bickering — who left the dishes unwashed, who’s talking too loudly on their zoom, and who didn’t flush. But despite the death and destruction created for so many, COVID was the gift I needed.
PHOTO : Covid gift was that the kids got together and planted our herb garden
In the stillness of lockdown, I was confronted with a new beautiful reality : I was, in fact, an introvert. Or more accurately, an extroverted introvert. I’d never considered this before, having built a life of social busyness and constantly on-the-go. But when faced with this forced home arrest, suddenly I realized that I craved silence. Not the uncomfortable, unsettling silence that fills the gaps between conversation in a room full of people. No. I’m speaking of the deep nourishment we get through the silence of solitude. Mind you, I met this inner silence in the hammock in the backyard because a house with teens and young adults does not foster much silence, outer or inner! I was invited to sit with myself, listen to my own thoughts, and just be. It was in this space that I began to hear the whispers of my soul — the part of me that had been drowned out by the noise of everyday life. The part of me that had longed to be heard. I wasn’t just surviving the day-to-day busyness anymore, I was reconnecting with myself.
Rediscovering My Creative Spark
After spending early mornings sterilizing bananas and glass jars of lentil soup from the fear that our food could kill us, I found myself gravitating toward things I hadn’t done in years — painting, writing poetry, and playing my guitar (the one that was in the black case painted with Pink Floyd artwork, shoved into the far corner of my walk-in closet). These creative spaces within me were the abandoned treasures from my younger years. My busy pre-COVID life hadn’t allowed space for this side of me. Each stroke of paint on canvas, each line of poetry written while swinging in my backyard hammock, each chord strummed on my guitar — was a form of homecoming. It became my meditation, my prayer, my therapy. I was meeting myself again.
PHOTO: hiding from the kids in my hammock, feeling mischievous, getting my zen on while the kids were in the house on zoom-school😉✨🤣
That sounds like a great time, you might say, so what’s the problem?
The issue that arose didn’t have to do with the rediscovering of my creative expression. That was wonderful! The issue was that while I was experiencing my own personal Renaissance, the guilt showed up. While the world was suffering, I was awakening. How could I indulge in this growth when so many people were struggling?
The Guilt of Shining : Embracing My Light in a World of Darkness
It felt disrespectful, as if I was mocking the pain of the world by celebrating my own reawakening. Amongst so much political unrest, societal challenges, and deep-rooted injustices, I found myself asking “Who am I to be happy when so many are in despair?” This guilt wrapped around me like a too-tight scarf on a hot day — uncomfortable, suffocating, and entirely unnecessary. I couldn’t seem to loosen its grip. I wanted to share the light I had discovered in myself yet felt torn out of respect for others’ pain.
Where Did This Guilt Come From?
Being rooted in my journey of self-discovery for over fifteen years brought me to dive deeply within to uncover the roots of this guilt and here’s what I found :
As a deeply empathetic person I felt the weight of others’ struggles, especially during a time of collective hardship. Under my empathy I carried a belief that if others were suffering, I couldn’t justify my happiness.
I found that societal conditioning taught me that celebrating myself is selfish or boastful and so I was taught to downplay my success and happiness to avoid making others feel uncomfortable.
I feared to be seen as out of touch or insensitive if I expressed my joy during a time of global suffering, so I dimmed my light.
But the biggest reason I felt guilt was because I suffered from internalized martyrdom. I was conditioned to prioritize others’ needs over my own and felt guilty for doing something that was personally fulfilling. My belief was : I should focus on others, not myself. Crazy concept, right!
Releasing the Guilt, Beginning to Shine In the World
Ultimately my guilt arose from a place of wanting love and connection — it was a sign that I cared deeply about others. After deep contemplation I understood that sharing my light didn’t diminish anyone else’s experience, it actually added to the collective good. It showed others that it’s possible to find beauty and meaning even in difficult times. I began doing metta meditation to cultivate self-compassion and contemplative journaling, both of which finally brought me to the simple but not easy conclusion that in order to heal the world, we must first heal ourselves. I realized that by doing this work of reconnecting with my true self, cultivating my creative spirit, and embracing silence — I was becoming the truest version of myself. And in turn, this made me more present, more empathetic, and more open to support others.
As the weeks passed, I began to notice a deeper pull to share my light, creativity, and the joy I had found in my own rebirth. I opened up to the world : I created zoom meetups to share and write poetry to release pent-up emotions from the pandemic. I made a weekly zoom meeting to hold space for hospital staff who were feeling burned out by the demands of the pandemic. And I also began meeting with my patients online for our Soul Surgery sessions. I was finding the balance between being mindful of the collective pain and recognizing that my light was needed. As I reflected on this paradox over time, I began to understand something profound : darkness needs light. Light is not an act of defiance against the darkness, it’s a necessary balance. Light, no matter how small, provides direction, comfort, and the possibility for transformation.
Deeper Dive✨
10 LESSONS I learned from the COVID quarantine experience of (1) becoming reacquainted with myself (2) waking up to my creative and introverted self (3) feeling the guilt come on (4) dimming my light (5) deepening my metta meditation practice and self-inquiry through journaling (6) and finally coming out of the darkness and sharing my light in the world without guilt.
The more I embrace my truth the more I realize my light is a gift to the world , especially in a time of collective suffering.
My light has value, it doesn’t just belong to me, it’s something the world needs.
I learned the infinite resource of light and how it grows and expands when shared with others.
I learned that my joy and creativity didn’t diminish the suffering of the world, rather it offered a reminder that beauty and possibility coexist.
I began to view my joy as a sacred act of hope rather than an indulgence, sharing it in small ways as a gift, not a boast.
Darkness needs light and the light also needs darkness. Just as without suffering we wouldn’t appreciate the moments of peace and joy and without loss we wouldn’t understand the value of love.
By showing up with both our struggles and our strengths we can create a world that is whole, dynamic, and full of connection and possibility.
By sharing my light I gave others permission to connect with their own joy, even in the smallest of ways. I learned that it’s not about dismissing other’s pain but about holding space for the duality of the coexistence of light and shadow.
I grew into the notion that my light didn’t have to solve the world’s problems, it simply needed to exist. When I shared it authentically it created ripples that inspired and uplifted others in ways I could never have imagined.
As the poet Rainier Maria Rilke said : Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Closing Thought✨
My light didn’t diminish the suffering of the world, it illuminated a path forward. Life is not a binary of light and dark, it’s a dynamic interplay of both. We can grieve and also celebrate. We can mourn the past while also looking forward to the future. We can be deeply aware of the world’s pain while still cultivating moments of lighthness, joy, and personal growth.
The world needs all of us to show up fully in whatever ways we can.
Affirmation : “My light doesn’t diminish the suffering of others; it adds to the collective hope, joy, and possibility of the world. By sharing my light, I honor both the suffering and the beauty of life.”
Journaling Prompts✨When was the last time you felt truly alive? What was the impact of that moment on your life and others? How did it make you feel? How can you invite more of that energy into your life now?
Reflect on times when you felt guilty for embracing your joy, creativity, or success in the face of others’ pain. What specific fears or beliefs are behind this guilt? How can you begin to release it?
How can I honor the pain the world while also honoring my own light? Do you shine your light in the darkness of this world?
How can I reframe my joy as a source of resilience and inspiration for others?
Who in my life might need to see my light to find their own?
What affirmation or mantra can I create to remind myself it’s okay to shine?
Think of a time when someone else’s light inspired and comforted you and how it affected you.
I invite you to write your own PS : I give myself permission to…
With gratitude, light, and a little bit of mischief,
Dr. Tamy, Soul Surgeon✨
TheMindFul Space/ https://www.tmfspace.com/
*p.s. i love you❣️
I loved following the journey of your reawakening, Tami. You so beautifully describe the push and pull of a new birth, a new consciousness making itself known and how you slowly made space for it to shift your entire being....and then extend the blessing to others. I was moved by the way you described the paradox of apparently opposite emotions, reconciling and integrating them into the whole of You. You share the nuances of a deeply contemplative life so beautifully. Thank you for sharing this with us in such a generous, open hearted way. I'm happy for our new connection here. <3
Tamy, your writing is luminous. There’s such a graceful rhythm to how you move from the external shifts of quarantine into the quiet, internal awakening that followed.
Every detail, the hammock, the Pink Floyd guitar, the homemade lunches, felt so tactile, so lived-in.
What stood out most was your ability to hold contradiction with gentleness: guilt and joy, grief and growth, stillness and vibrancy.
Thank you for sharing something so deeply honest and so beautifully rendered.
Siggy xx